Me and my several contexts. A curse and a blessing.

Due to my hectic life I have often problems in understanding my very different and eclectic contexts. (Hence the english language in this note). But I am eager and curious. I started thinking a lot about the contexts, the scenes, the movements and artistic groups… how to find them, meet them, how to infiltrate, how to choose, how to cohere and contribute. Problem is that usually one is already integrated in the scene from the start of the artistic practice or becomes infiltrated quite fast when entering an artistic institution. But sometimes we don’t get that chance. or we need to find it on our own.

My context was for many years my hometown Celje and its cultural ups and downs. Thanks to the only pedagogical and artistic institution there worth mentioning, Plesni Forum Celje, I was able to develop technically, emotionally and artistically as a dancer, performer and a maker. Coming to an almost professional production level in more than 17 years that I was a part of it. Even though it seemed by the end that it is time to move on and make a progression. But what actually happened when I changed the context and moved to Ljubljana - I got lost… in the options, in the production in the identity. I came from regular trainings, teaching and production to the all mans land. The capital of performing arts in Slovenia, willing to give so much, but not needing anything in return. I was stuck. I wasn’t a ‘professional. I was nothing more or less than a girl that says she likes to dance. I stayed in this kind of context for many years, wondering around, trying different things, going trough different crisis, shifting from theatre to dance, not doing anything, trying to write about it etc. The only person I was able to connect artistically in Ljubljana was Gaja Madžarevič, with whom we collaborate on this page.

I had to change the context. In 2012 I met Gisela Fantacuzzi almost by accident. She invited me to work in her context, in the south of Italy, which is also not ideal but she created a space for herself where she is able to do almost what she wants. We started collaborating and exploring the marvellous dimensions of Abruzzo region. Also broather, but I'll stuck to ABruzzo. It is far. No matter from which perspective you look at it, it is far. We are working now for 3 years on more or less experimental projects fighting the ‘italian context’. In traditional frames one could say that italian scene is still very much devoted to a modern perfrormance. Beautiful, trained bodies, not being afraid to show what they’ve learned, but also emotional expressions and feelings not being afraid to be revealed. I always find myself in a ironic moment… seeing myself in that as I was many years ago and feeling so different now, being interested in different things in the body and on the stage. And more often I return back, more I get to learn about the scene and less infiltrated I feel. And as I said it is easier that I learn how to speak Italian than to learn the whole Italy to speak English. This is important because when I compare Italy to other scenes and contexts that I also became a part of in the past years, my Italian context doesn’t seem to be so generous. I feel it is closed for me as I am a foreigner, with a language and a cultural barrier. I also feel how important the aesthetics and perfection are the most important components, but not an exchange and feedback. People are nice of course, we are all humans. But I am an outsider. Strange, it may not feel so much different than what it felt like in Ljubljana. Belonging somewhere is a state of mind. Obviously I am still to find mine.

Things got a bit better for me (in an emotional sense) when I made an audition for master of Theatre Practices at ArtEZ Institute of arts in Arnhem, Netherlands. I am happily contracted there for next 2 years and that contexts represents to me a soft cotton candy, luxurious working conditions and supportive people. But how ironic that feels again. Having everything but not knowing what to do with it. What to do with myself. Where to find courage and self-esteem to create and share? This year seems almost therapeutic for me in the sense of my artistic practice. As if I would nurture it and trying to make it grow. Step by step. It feels lonely though. Being in Netherlands. And I started to think a lot about collaborations. And collectives. I have never done things on my own. But to find good collaborators thats a mission. But even to do so… I need to leave Holland from time to time, so that is not my place to be either. But where is?

Macedonia. Now why would one move there? For love. For roasted peppers. For hot summers. For people with the revolution in their hearts. I entered that context as a person working in the field of performing arts looking for people doing the same. It was really simple. For the first time in my life I got to introduce myself only as an artist and in short time started connecting only with creative people. How honest and relaxed can one be outside of the pressure of the home context. Besides Holland here is the only context where I can talk about my work. Is it running away? Maybe. Even if it is a comfort zone it seems fruitful. Only problem is things in the south get done much slower than the things in the north. Here is my adaptation to this context. But I was able to meet few people that I can collaborate artistically in no time… is it because we are all so thirsty for making and not yet so flooded with information as people are in the richer contexts? I am not here long enough to answer. But definitely there is a major potential to do good work here. If I could only transport one of the studios or theatres from ArtEZ.

Each context has its ups and downs… everywhere people have to fight for something. I still feel I don’t belong completely to any of those and maybe that is a good thing. Maybe it is not time yet for me to spread the roots in one place. Or maybe I just need to plant the seeds first and watch it grow in few years.

Greetings from Skopje!